Today at 6:38 PM marks four years since my mother took her last breath with me and my sister by her side. It feels so long ago and yet like it just happened. And for some reason, this year it hit me harder and earlier. I was in the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru about a week ago when it struck from out of nowhere and I was weepy off and on all day.

I still think about her and miss her every single day. I think of fond memories and yet still wonder what it would be like if she was still here. I guess I have to add to that thought – still here AND didn’t have Alzheimer’s. I can only imagine the conversations we would be having about absolutely everything that’s going on these days. That omnipresent hole has just felt even bigger the past couple of years. It’s a void that cannot be filled.

I’ve been struggling to figure out how to mark today’s anniversary. The weather is crap – horrible heat and humidity with a threat of nasty storms – so hanging out outside isn’t going to work. For Dad, I always raise a celebratory glass of wine in his honor at his moment. I’ve done that a couple of times with Mom, but it never feels quite right. As the moment draws near, I wish I had something, and yet I don’t.

I did have a belated birthday lunch with a friend/coworker today. I did purposely pick today from the date choices so that I was doing at least one positive thing. So we went to one of my favorite restaurants.

I guess I’ll just have to call it enough this year to be thinking of her and jotting a few thoughts to share with all of you. And I did reread my sister’s much more eloquent post from the one-year anniversary.

Miss you, Mom.